So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
We need to get me chipped asap
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
