if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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