watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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