Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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