the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
