the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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