420 ftw
Apparently you make a good broom.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
