My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
How does it feel to date your dad?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
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