i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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