And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
