I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
