Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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