i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
