the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
it was like eating out sand paper
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
