I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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