I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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