I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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