You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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