They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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