Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
MIDGETS
????
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
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