The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize