I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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