There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
