just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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