My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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