i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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