I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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