Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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