Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
