i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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