you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
