It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
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