Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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