OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
