dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
