Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
