there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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