guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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