She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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