I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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