I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
