dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
