Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
