I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
