We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just gargled with NyQuil
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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