11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
