she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Randomize
