doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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