Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
