I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
