$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
