Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I am never drinking with the goths again.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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