She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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