Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
