first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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