Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
