Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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