He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Randomize
